


You Don't Have To Hold Me Anymore

by leavemywhisper



Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Trench - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Child Neglect, Depression, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Josh Dun is a Sweetheart, Josh is too sweet, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Sad Tyler Joseph, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tyler gets flashbacks, tyler associates smell with color
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-08-28 08:01:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16719495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leavemywhisper/pseuds/leavemywhisper
Summary: Tyler wanted to explore the world but couldn't get out of his head.Josh wanted someone to hold.





	1. Rubber Bands

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my first fic so please be kind,I'm trying.I hope you enjoy as writing this can hopefully be a good place to cope with things.  
> :)

Silent.

Tyler hated the quiet.He hated how it left him to his thoughts,he hated how all he could hear was his shaky breaths,he hated the thought of no sound.

He hated it he hated it he hated it he hated it

"No,hate is a strong word."Tyler thought out loud to himself.

It was not strange in the Joseph household to hear Tyler talk to himself.They never even bothered to pay attention to what he says half the time. Laying atop his bed,he dangled his leg off the edge.If he were younger,he would've been scared of a monster grabbing his leg. He no longer had to worry about his leg as the monster had already corrupted his head too soon. 

Tyler let his arm slowly fall off the edge and curled his fingers.It's nights like these that Tyler hated,where he was left to his own and he couldn't control his mind.But this was nothing new.This was every night.It started with the tears. The tiny droplets always found a way to prick at his eyes.Tyler found it better to have the tears blur his vision instead of having to see the past every night that haunted him.He kept curling his fingers,one at a time,always pinky first. 

Tyler sighed.Tonight he couldnt help it.He got up,opening his eyes sleepily.He wanted to sleep.He always wanted to sleep.Stumbling to the desk that sat menacingly in the corner of his room,he rumaged through the drawer.Too busy looking for a rubber band,Tyler didn't hear his mom call his name softly and opening the door.

"Tyler?"she called out louder,still keeping a soft voice as to not startle him. Tyler turned around and looked at his mom.Her eyes started calmly at Tyler with hints of concern in them. 

"Ty,honey,what are you doing?" 

"I'm looking for..."Tyler stuttered,"a pencil." 

"And what do you need a pencil with so late in the night?" 

"I told you,Mother,I have tons of summer homework..."Tyler's voice drifted off, "I did-I did tell you that didnt I?Did you forget?"he slowly started to panic.

Tyler hated that as well.

Tyler's mother noticed this and immdeiently tried to save herself. 

"No!Honey I'm sorry..i just didn't realize and.."

Tyler gulped.He realized this was sick.A sick tactic.Using his own brokenness to manipulate his mother into getting away from him.Tyler wanted to cry.He wanted to cry and call for mommy.But he no longer could.

"Mom,can you please leave me,I'm gonna try sleeping actually."

His mom looked defeated.

"Okay,Ty..."she stepped out but before she closed the door she looked at him,"Ty,if your uncle stops by again,tell him I'm in the garage."

Tyler nodded.He knew she would be rolling a joint,waiting for her brother to come.Thats what always happened. 

As soon as she left,Tyler glanced at the rubber band on his wrist.Thankful his mom didn't see it.He began snapping it at his wrist,harder and harder each time.It was a slow weak substitute to Tyler. Every time he put it on he thought of him.

Josh.

Joshua Dun was his neighbour.The two had always been friends,but not close,sleepover during the summer,secrets friend.Josh was the friend Tyler would think about all the time but never had courage to do anything.He liked Josh's pretty eyes,the way his hair was a different color each time Tyler's family went to Josh's house for a cookout.

 

Josh's...house.

Tyler's mind wandered.He remembered the upstairs.He remembered Josh's brothers room. The way it smelt of tennis ball and baseball bats.He remembered the lock on the door,he remembered being told what to do and he remembered the Pokemon cards Josh's brother had given him to try and ease Tyler's sobs.

Tyler remembered.

Snap.

Tyler opened his eyes quickly.He stared at the rubber band. It was a soft blue.Tyler always changed his rubber bands to the color of Josh's hair.He wondered if Josh had changed it yet. Tyler supposed he would find out,since next week was the Forth of July. 

"Josh would be pretty with pink hair."Tyler mumbled to himself."I'll tell him next time I see him."

 

Tyler slept calm that night.When he woke up,he looked at his phone and smiled.

Josh:Hey Ty,wanna come with me to get some new hair dye?Haven't seen you in a while :)


	2. Vans

It's not that Tyler hated going outside.

He hated being vulnerable.

"Vulnerable"he thought out loud as he started at the ceiling as the slow beginnings of the morning light began to drip through the slits of his blinds.

His mother always meant to remove the blinds.The slits reminded her of Tyler.But she never bothered to replace them and Tyler never bothered to ask about it.Josh's text inviting him along was followed by:

Josh:Be ready at 12,yeah?I'll come over.

Tyler slowly sat up,finally deciding to start his day.He looked around his room,eyes scanning the familiar coop that had help him so safely and preciously at nights.The posters of old Nintendo games were faded and held memories of a simple time.Books were piled on his desk.He meant to read them,he really did,but he didn't have motivation.

\-----------------

The water of the shower ran onto his bare skin,washing away all of his crime.He was becoming clean.He rubbed his hair with cold shampoo.Rose hip.His mother never let him buy or choose his own shampoo.It kept his hair soft at least.But her body wash.He could not stand "herbal citrus".It reminded him of hair pulling,harsh words,and punishment.It reminded him of being called a sissy,being picked last,and staying inside during recess.   
\-----------------

Stepping into his room,he pulled on a long sleeved grey shirt that was far too big for his slim,skinny frame and black jeans.The smell of his room started to frustrate him.It smelt white.Too white.Tyler gazed at his window and realized it was open.His mother mustve been in there.He snickered as he imagined her claiming,"Its better,more natrual"

He closed it and it made him feel better. It started to smell like navy blue.Safety.Tyler pulled himself onto the floor in front of his two pairs of shoes.Grey vans or black Converse.He remembered Josh's love for Vans.It was Josh who encouraged him to swap out the plain white laces for black ones.

"Edgy"Josh had grinned when Tyler first showed him.

Tyler's mind began to wander again.

\-------------  
It was a cool Thursday.That summer they were both 14.They were in Tyler's room.

"Tyler,"Josh giggled,"you're threading the lace wrong.Inside-out,not outside-in."

Tyler huffed,obviously frustrated and ready to give up.

"Well Josh,if you're such an expert,you do it for me."

Josh laughed even more,his smile gave Tyler a sense of security.

"Tyler,it's shoelaces,not rocket science.You can do it."

Tyler did not want to anymore.He was tired and started to feel gross.He and Josh had gone it out earlier that day to get the laces,and Tyler had the same feeling.He felt guilty asking Josh to buy him hand sanitizer but Josh had insisted it was no big deal.But Tyler was on the verge of tears when Josh handed him the bottle.

He set the shoes and laces down and put on a more than generous amount of it.Josh watched him,suspicious but silent.

Tyler started to gain courage to ask Josh something.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"Josh replied as he grabbed the shoes,and started to thread the lace.

Tyler's feet shifted.

More sanitizer. 

"When's your brother moving out?"

His chest caved in.Heavy.

"Oh,I dunno Ty,he's still looking for an apartment.Why?"  
\----------

That was before Tyler had told anyone.He shook his head and grabbed the Vans in front on him.


	3. Morning Light

Tyler stepped down the stairway.The soft pitter-patter was reminiscent of water dropping,rain.He felt guilty for walking on the carpet with his shoes on,he should've known better,but he didn't particularly care about his mother's words today.He looked up to the kitchen,abandoned.A sight not rare,but eerie.There were plates left on the table,dirty and wafting the smell of old food that nauseated Tyler.But instead of cleaning them like he'd been trained to,he ignored them.

The dusty blinds were slightly opened,leaking honeyglow sunlight into the room.He stood in front of the window for a moment,basking in the morning light.Only for just a moment.

"I guess I should find Mother."he spoke aloud.

Turning away from the window, he started for the garage.His hands settled on the cold handle,mentally preparing himself to talk to the woman he called his mom.The smell of marijuana drifted into the air.Tyler always hated that smell.Pugent.Overbearing.

"Mom?"

"Tyler!!!"a familiar voice came but it was not his mom.

It was his uncle.

Musty was the only way to describe him.He always wore this corduroy jacket over a camoflauge sweater and dirty old boots that made loud noises when he walked.His scruffy beard was always accompanied by sunglasses and a sunfaded cap.

Tyler choose to ignore the man who smelled like alcohol.

"Mom?Josh is gonna be over soon."

"Josh?Isn't that the kid next door who dyes his hair?"

"Yeah,his mom is that bitch who's always over Tyler.Who knows what she would do."his mom exclaimed,about to launch into another speech about how sick the world was.

Tyler curled his fingers again,his hand always landing in a gripping position.Turning his hand to a fist.His gun to a fist .He continued to stay silent,waiting for his mom to say something.

"Alright then,go wait for him,text me when you leave and every half hour."

Tyler was already shutting the door,heading towards the dining table to sit at and wait.The morning light landed perfectly on the chair Tyler sat upon,basking him in the golden glow.He felt filthy sitting in the dirty kitchen,it made him feel nasty.The sun made him feel warm,causing him to feel sleepy and close his eyes.His mind began to drift to a safe place but the kitchen smelt like lime green.Too much going on,never knowing what could happen.

A knock disturbed his thoughts.His heart jumped,millions of thoughts ran through his head in a second before he shook them out and got up. His feet dragged on the floor,Vans creating a steady sound pattern.His hand turned the handle,it was warm,not cold.He was greeted by someone he hadn't realized he held so dearly until he felt tears prick his eyes.

A tall,muscular build.A snapback covered dark curly hair,slightly damaged from dye.A beautiful smile and crinkle eyes greeted Tyler.

Josh Dun.

Something about seeing him warmed Tyler inside,much more than the morning light ever could.

"Tyler!"Josh smiled and approaches him with arms open for a hug.

Tyler lunged into the familiar pair of arms,hungry for touch.This wasn't like him but seeing Josh sparked something in him. 

They detached,both smiling for once.


End file.
